I don’t want to talk about racing or about my swim times or about the latest and greatest in tri shorts.

This time I want to talk about my life. Or rather where my life is now and where I want it to go. I’ve been forced into this situation recently but let’s be honest it’s been a long time coming. I’m good at pretending that things are fine when they most certainly are not. I’m great at making excuses for myself and others. I get squeamish when people ask me to talk about my feelings because I don’t like to go to those unfamiliar places.

What if I don’t like what I find?

What if what I’m feeling is in direct conflict with what I think I need?

Feelings can betray you.

Feelings you cannot control.

And the one thing I dislike more than anything in this world is being out of control.

Everything in my life is planned out to the millisecond. When I get up in the morning. What I eat. When I eat. When I work out. Where I work out. I live and die by my calendar. There is very little spontaniety in my life. Very few surprises. I have no one to blame for that but myself. I put myself into a rut.

I want that to change.

My dad likes to remind me that “life is not a dress rehearsal.” We only get one shot at this life so we better make it count.

I’m 36 years old. I don’t feel 36. Thirty-six always seemed ancient when I was younger. When my parents were my age they had two kids ages 10 and 7. Sometimes I look around my Facebook feed and I see friends from high school and college who have 2 and 3 kids and I think “how did that happen?” I feel as though life is happening around me, but somehow my pause button was pushed.

I need to figure out how to press play.

That is going to take me well outside of my comfort zone, and it’s going to force me to deal with my feelings. Those feelings I’ve crammed way down deep inside and will be hard to shake loose. After many conversations with people I trust and care about most, it became quite evident that I can’t do this alone.

A wise friend recently said to me, “Your friends and family can help you, but they can’t live it for you.”

I’m going to need some help sorting through the pieces. I need an objective third party to help me find the tools to become the person I want to be. A person who is fully satisfied with her life, and not someone who is simply going through the motions because that is the easier road to travel.

On Monday, I did something scary.  I picked up the phone and called to make an appointment with a professional. I had a lump in my throat the entire time, and I had to fight back the tears. It’s scary and sad to admit that you’re lost and you need help finding your way. But sometimes simply exposing that raw emotion and admitting you’re powerless can be the most freeing experience. It’s as if a weight has been lifted, and you’re finally able to take a breath and say, “It’s going to be OK.”

I debated about whether or not I would or should write about this. Should I admit to the world that I don’t have my shit together? That some things in my life are broken and in terrible need of repair? And by admitting that some things are broken, I may not be able to put them back the way they once were.

But I know I’m not alone and that others who are reading this will have been through similar experiences or maybe find themselves in the exact same place.

I also wanted to write down a completely honest and unfiltered account of what I am feeling today so I could look back in the not-so-distant-future and say, “that’s the moment I decided to walk through the scary parts.” That was the moment I admitted that I needed to find my way. That was the moment when I decided to stop being fearful and confront my own demons head-on without any extra padding or armor. That was the moment I said, “to hell with control.” 

That was the moment I decided to press play.

I never had any intentions of running this race. Hell, I didn’t even register for it. Obviously, my name is not Jessica so let’s get it out in the open – I ran under someone else’s name. What’s the penance for unauthorized bib transfer?

Running Incognito

Since I never planned on running this race until maybe 2 weeks ago, I literally had zero expectations going into it. This would be the second time this year I’ve gone into a race thinking, “whatever happens, happens.” It turns out this is a much less stressful way to race versus turning yourself into knots thinking about the exact splits you’ll need for a PR.

My “A” race for the first half of 2013 is the Rev3 Williamsburg Half-Iron on June 23. And, my training schedule this weekend called for a 10 mile run, so the Cherry Blossom fit in perfectly. I would bang out my 10 miles with 30,000 makeshift running buddies. Perfect.

Juls and Dutch were also registered for the race so we decided to meet up before the start. Juls was aiming for a 1:30 finish time, and I decided I would do my best to hang with her at the 9:00 minute pace. 9:00 minute pace is definitely a little quicker than the Z2 run I was supposed to do according to my training schedule, but I figured if I got tired I could slow down and let her continue without me. Plus I had biked for a full 2 hours on the trainer on Saturday, and I no idea what was left in my legs for the run.

Juls & Dutch pre race.

Turns out, I felt really good at the 9:00 minute pace for the duration of the run. I would even go so far as to say I felt comfortable at that pace – meaning I probably could have pushed myself a little harder to stay consistently under a 9:00 minute pace. I wasn’t even sore on Monday – which is bizarre to me. When did I turn into the kind of person who can run 10 miles without it feeling like I ran 10 miles? During the race, I ran 5 miles slightly under 9:00 minute pace and the other 5 just over that mark.

Here are my splits:

Mile 1 – 9:32

Mile 2 – 8:50

Mile 3 – 8:49

Mile 4 – 8:58

Mile 5 – 9:04

Mile 6 – 8:59

Mile 7 – 9:05

Mile 8 – 9:13

Mile 9 – 9:00

Mile 10 – 8:50

The Cherry Blossom course is pretty flat with the exception of a hill thrown in at the last 400 meters – that’s always fun during the final few minutes of a race. You can’t be beat the scenery during this race. You start at the base of the Washington Monument, run along Independence Avenue, across the Memorial Bridge, past the Kennedy Center and around Haines Point. Juls and I stayed together for the entire race. I stopped 2 more times for water than she did, but I managed to find her in the crowd and we crossed the finish line together just past the 1:31 mark. I was more than pleased with my results. 

We finished!

That was the first time I have ever started and finished a race with friend. It was great to have someone to chat with you needed the distraction or the extra shot of confidence to pick up the pace. And it was equally nice to have someone with you who knew when it was A-OK to just comfortably share silence.

What is your criteria for a running buddy? Do you like to be with a Chatty-Cathy or do you prefer the strong, silent type? Drop me a comment and let me know!

And it was eye opening.

After spending close to 2 hours in The Bike Lane, I think I found a fit that works for me. Obviously the true test will come when I take the bike out for a ride this weekend, but the comparison between this experience and my first fit is night and day different. I won’t name the bike shop that did my first fit, but if you know where I live you can probably guess who it was.

I am, however, going to sing the praises of The Bike Lane. Their staff is patient, attentive and knowledgeable. And they really explained the process of what makes a great bike fit.

When I arrived at the shop around 5PM, Jen (the General Manager and Bike Fit Extraordinaire) said, “you have me for the rest of the evening. We’re going to have some fun!”  It was the exact opposite of my first bike fit when I was scheduled at closing time and the staff rushed through the process in order to close up. This time around, I filled out forms about my current mileage, problems with the bike while the staff measured all sorts of angles, inseams and height on me.

Two years ago, the first bike shop fit me on a P3 claiming it would be the same as the P2 I bought. They used the P3 because they had not finished assembling my P2. You’re probably wondering why I allowed someone to fit me for a different model, and I’ve asked myself that very same question many times. The only conclusion I reached is imtimidation by the bike shop staff. The guy that sold me my bike and did the fit was a fast talker and impatient; and I felt insecure and embarrassed asking my “silly questions.” Lesson learned: There are no stupid questions when you’re spending $2500 on a bike!

P3

P2

Back to yesterday…

After taking all of the appropriate measurements and asking me a ton of questions, it was clear there were 3 main issues to correct on my P2: the saddle height, the saddle itself and the position of the aerobars.

My saddle was about 3 inches too high. Definitely an easy fix – just drop it down.

The next thing to tackle was the saddle itself. I’ve been riding on the Adamo racing saddle, and it is ridiculously uncomfortable for me. We tried adjusting the tilt, but one direction hurt my sit bones and another put too much pressure towards the front. I also felt a terrible pinching on my inner thighs. Jen suggested we try a completely different saddle, and she brought out a Bontrager Hilo RXL Speed Dial Saddle.

Adamo Racing Saddle

Bontrager Hilo RXL Speed Dial

The Bontrager saddle is amazing! You can actually adjust the width of the front to find the perfect level of comfort. After a couple of quick adjustments I was sold on the Bontrager. Ladies, this seat is a gift from God.

Correcting the aerobars was the most complicated part of my fit. It turns out that you can’t adjust the aerobars on a Cervelo. The only way to move the bars closer or further out is to completely replace them. I have a fairly short torso, and I was having to reach for the shifters. I thought this was normal, but it is not. We removed the aerobars from my bike and tried a couple of different models. I settled on the Profile Design Viper T1. 

Profile Design Viper T1

This model allows you to adjust the placement of the bars.Plus the bend in the bars allowed for a better grip. We needed to slide the bars back to get my elbows in closer to my shoulders. The shop will re-run my shifters and cables, and they’ll cut off the excess so my knees don’t hit the end of the bars.

If everything goes smoothly today at the shop, I should be able to pick up my bike on Friday – just in time to ride 40 miles on Saturday. Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to taking it out on the road now that the fit has been significantly tweaked. I had such a positive experience with The Bike Lane, and I cannot thank them enough for taking the time to walk me through the fit process step-by-step. I’m kicking myself for not taking care of this sooner. Who knows what 2011 or 2012 would have been like on the bike had the fit been correct from the beginning?

What are your tips for getting the best fit to optimize your performance and comfort? Drop me a comment and let me know!

Don’t be fooled. This blossom is deadly.

It’s that time of year again…

…allergy season.

As a kid, I never had a problem with allergies unlike my poor brother who if he looked at a picture of a cat his eyes started to water and one nostrel immediately closed up.

As I got into my 20s, things started to change and now I deal with the watery eyes, sneezing and an endless runny nose for several weeks in the early spring.

This year I was determined to get out in front of it, and I started taking Claritin daily in February. My fool-proof plan for dodging the pollen came to sudden halt last week when suddenly I couldn’t breathe out of my nose.

I’m now on a nightly regamine of Benedryl so I can sleep, but it leaves me foggy and lethargic during my early morning workouts. Yesterday’s 5:30AM swim was rough. Swimming with a congested nose makes breathing very interesting, not to mention messy. For my boxing class this morning, I was in a fog the entire time. My arms were so heavy and tired that burpees were even more of a struggle.

I decided to switch to a different allergy med today, and I’m hoping it does the trick. I have two races this weekend, and I want to perform well. I won’t be all-out racing because it is technically a “work week,” but I also don’t want to drag my ass across the finish line either.

Throughout the month of March, I counted down the days until warmer weather arrived. Now that’s April – and still cold – I’m counting down the days until the allergy season passes. Unfortunately, the-people-in-the-know are saying it’s going to be a rough season for those us suffering from allergies. Super.

How allergies make me feel

How do you cope with persistent seasonal allergies? Does the medication you take affect your training or racing performance? Drop me a comment and let me know! 

You and I have never been friends.

You intimidate me with your shiny red and black frame and your aggressive aerobars.

After two years, we’re barely on speaking terms.

Grinning and bearing is how we get through our workouts together.

We’ve raced on a wing and prayer with me begging you to stay upright and stable.

Starting tomorrow this is all going to change because we’re getting a brand new fit.

It’s long overdue.

We’ve been in dire need of professional help for far too long.

No more uncomfortable bum. No more reaching forward to shift.  No more restlessness  in the saddle.

We are going to work out our differences because – dammit – we have an Ironman to conquer in seven short months.

I can’t do this without you – as much I would like.

And you need this as much as I do because you were built for the Ironman.

We’re in this together – for better or worse; rain or shine; sickness and in health.

Can we make a pact? Find some common ground? 

I promise to take care of you – to keep your chain greased; your tires properly inflated; and even the occasional wash.

I’ll do all of this if you promise to see me through the next seven months of training.

There will be long rides and short rides – hill workouts and intervals.

But it will all be worth it.

Ironman Florida will be our reward.

Our crowning triathlon achievement. 

What do you say? Can we finally be friends?

What’s your weakest leg of the triathlon? How have you moved past this weakness? Drop me a line and let me know!

Not even a recovery weekend.

This Saturday called for a 4 mile “Hash Run” followed by a Newton-sponsored run clinic. All of this took place at the Rev3 Triathlon headquarters in Manassas.

Somehow I missed the fact that Rev3 was based here in northern Virginia.

In addition to the hashing and the clinic, we were also treated to pizza and all of the FREE PowerBar nutrition our little arms could carry. 

Telling endurance athletes than can take “whatever” is like letting a 6 year old loose in a candy store without any adult supervision. I’m set on nutrition until at least October.

The Newton Running Clinic was great. My running form is so poor that it’s nearly impossible for me to hear the following tips enough:

• Chest up
• Lean from the ankles
• Keep your feet under your hips
• Don’t strike with your heal
• Cadence, cadence, cadence

I even took a spin in a pair of Newton’s – something I had always wanted to try. With a 25% discount, I was pretty tempted to buy a pair but my frugality (and the voice of the Spectathlete saying, “Seriously, another pair of running shoes?) won out and I left the clinic empty handed.

I’m intrigured by the mechanics and the philosophy of the shoes, but I’m not entirely ready to fork over the money for a pair. Maybe after Ironman Florida I’ll reconsider.

A huge kudos to Newton for sponsoring the clinic and letting all of the Team Z’ers try out their shoes. The woman who ran the clinic was extremely knowledgable and enthusiastic. Great marketing by the company to get more people hooked.

Yesterday I wrapped up my recovery weekend with an hour long trainer ride followed by a quick 10 minute run. Technically my first brick of the season, and it felt pretty good.

Next weekend it going to be jam-packed with racing and training. I’m doing the Aloha Splash on Saturday night followed by the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler on Sunday. Somewhere in there I have to squeeze in a 50 mile bike ride. Rev3 Williamsburg is fast approaching, and I’m looking forward to finally getting out on the bike now that spring has decided to grace us with its presence.

What’s on tap for your week? Anyone else doing the Aloha Splash or the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler? Drop me a line and let me know!

When I have an awkward locker room moment…

Happy Thursday, folks! Only one more day separates us from the weekend!

It’s going to be an awesome weekend filled with running, racing and specthatleting.

Speaking of Boston, the interwebs informed me yesterday about this event:

Sponsored by Run Against Cancer Events (RACE), the first Boston Running Film Festival will be held during the marathon weekend – April 12 – 14 at Hynes Convention Center. The festival will screen 19 running-related films as well as discussions with film directors and running celebrities.

The complete list of films includes:

6AM Serenity
100 Reasons: The North Face 100
A Rare Commitment: Genzyme’s Running Team Goes the Distance for Patients with Rare Diseases
Alongside Team With A Vision
Fire on the Track: The Steve Prefontaine Story
Hesekiels Run: Run the Planet
Horses & Fire
In The High Country Trailer
The Last Mile
Long Distance Runner
The Mountain Runners
Racing the Rez
Run For Your Life
Running The Rockpile
Set Free: A Trail Running Story
Street Dreams
The Spirit of A Runner
Spirit of the Marathon
Spirit of the Marathon II trailer & Extended Scene
There Is No Finish Line
We Grew Wings

This festival isn’t your typical night-before-the-race-carbo-load-pasta-party, this is actually a great idea! For a few bucks (that goes to charity), you can spend some time with your fellow runners getting pumped up about your 26.2 miles (or in my case 3.1). I’m really hoping to squeeze in the following films:

The Spirit of the Marathon (Saturday 8PM)

Filmed on four continents, “Spirit of the Marathon” brings together a diverse cast of amateur athletes and marathon luminaries. As six unique stories unfold, each runner prepares for and ultimately faces the challenge of the Chicago Marathon. More than a sports movie, “Spirit of the Marathon” is an inspirational journey of perseverance and personal triumph; a spectacle that will be embraced by runners and non-runners alike. (Plot summary written by RACE.)

Run for Your Life (Sunday 5PM)

Without one eccentric first-generation Jewish immigrant from Transylvania, the New York City Marathon simply wouldn’t exist. Ehrlich’s fun, loving, and inspirational tribute to the late Fred Lebow shows how one man’s imagination, determination, and love for running created one of the world’s most popular sporting events.  (Plot summary written by Tribeca Film Festival.)

The Last Mile (Sunday 8PM)

The Last Mile is an upcoming feature-length documentary about running and the reasons behind it. Filmmaker John Burkett spent most of his life destructively. At age thirty, newly sober, out walking his dog he decided to take the first of many runs.
(Plot summary written by RACE.)

For more information about the films or for show times, you can visit the RACE website.

What’s your run-spiration before a big race? Are any of you Boston-bound runners planning on attending the film festival? If so, let me know!

Just swap “swim practice” for “school,” and you get the idea.

The alarm went off at 4:45AM just like it does every Tuesday and Thursday, but I wasn’t going anywhere. My gym bag was packed with my work clothes; my swim suit was hanging on the bathroom door; and all I had to do was sit up, put 2 feet on the floor and get moving. I kept telling myself to quit dragging ass, but I couldn’t will myself out of my warm bed. No amount of positive or negative thinking could make me budge. And we all know it wasn’t the first time I’ve done this tap dance.

It happens to the best of us. We plan for and anticipate the mental and physical barriers that could keep us from making those early morning practices, but even the most well-prepared will come up short from time to time.

I also peeked at our swim workout last night and saw, “1 x 1650 for time.” Ugh. I’m not sure there is anything more boring than swimming a continuous mile.  Unfortunately you can’t totally zone out (like you can on a treadmill) because you’ll forget which lap you’re on, so you end up repeating “1200m to go…1100m to go…1000m to go…” over and over and over again. It’s enough to drive a person bonkers. Now eventually I’ll have to do this workout at some point during the week, but I didn’t have the patience motivation for it today. It is a recovery week after all, so I have a little wiggle room in my schedule.

Over the weekend, I finally purchased my race pics from the Seaside Half Marathon. I think it turned out pretty well! Race pics are always better with friends – especially photogenic friends.

If you miss a workout do you beat up yourself or do you shrug it off? Drop me a line and let me know!

Last week was a long one.

Work was hectic.

Personal commitments were numerous.

And there was a little swimming, biking, running and strength training to fit into that schedule.

I completed almost all of my scheduled workouts except for one 30 minute run. That should have been easy to squeeze in, but I seriously could not find a spare second.

Workouts Completed:

Monday - 60 min strength training

Tuesday - 65 min swim, 45 min ride (25″ warm up, 2 x 3″ hill repeat, 10 min” cool down)

Wednesday - 3.1 mile track workout (10″ warm up, 1 x 1600m at TP, 1 x 400m at LP, 10″ cool down)

Thursday - 65 min swim, 45 min ride (20″ warm up, 5″ 1/3 SD, 8″ at Z4 (3″ in the big ring), 12″ cool down)

Friday - 60 min strength training

Saturday - 8 mile run at Z2

Sunday - 90 min ride on the trainer

We only have 1 week left in March (can you believe that?!), and then I kick off a very busy month of racing – Aloha Splash 1500m swim, Cherry Blossom 10 Miler, B.A.A. 5K and the George Washington Parkway 10 Miler.

I’m not sure I thought through the schedule very well. This is what happens when you have a serious addiction to race registrations. I should probably enjoy this recovery week, but it’s going to be a long April!

And before I sign off, I want to send out a big “Congratulations!” to the Spectathlete’s brother for winning the North Carolina Half Marathon at the Charlotte Motor Speedway yesterday in a time of 1:14:58! For those that can’t do the math, it’s a 5:45 pace. And, no, he’s not Kenyan. 

1st Place Hardware

How was your weekend? Did you race? Train? Or did you say, “screw it” to both and sit on the couch and watch retro The Real World reruns on MTV? Drop me a line and let me know!