For once, let’s have a serious conversation.

I don’t want to talk about racing or about my swim times or about the latest and greatest in tri shorts.

This time I want to talk about my life. Or rather where my life is now and where I want it to go. I’ve been forced into this situation recently but let’s be honest it’s been a long time coming. I’m good at pretending that things are fine when they most certainly are not. I’m great at making excuses for myself and others. I get squeamish when people ask me to talk about my feelings because I don’t like to go to those unfamiliar places.

What if I don’t like what I find?

What if what I’m feeling is in direct conflict with what I think I need?

Feelings can betray you.

Feelings you cannot control.

And the one thing I dislike more than anything in this world is being out of control.

Everything in my life is planned out to the millisecond. When I get up in the morning. What I eat. When I eat. When I work out. Where I work out. I live and die by my calendar. There is very little spontaniety in my life. Very few surprises. I have no one to blame for that but myself. I put myself into a rut.

I want that to change.

My dad likes to remind me that “life is not a dress rehearsal.” We only get one shot at this life so we better make it count.

I’m 36 years old. I don’t feel 36. Thirty-six always seemed ancient when I was younger. When my parents were my age they had two kids ages 10 and 7. Sometimes I look around my Facebook feed and I see friends from high school and college who have 2 and 3 kids and I think “how did that happen?” I feel as though life is happening around me, but somehow my pause button was pushed.

I need to figure out how to press play.

That is going to take me well outside of my comfort zone, and it’s going to force me to deal with my feelings. Those feelings I’ve crammed way down deep inside and will be hard to shake loose. After many conversations with people I trust and care about most, it became quite evident that I can’t do this alone.

A wise friend recently said to me, “Your friends and family can help you, but they can’t live it for you.”

I’m going to need some help sorting through the pieces. I need an objective third party to help me find the tools to become the person I want to be. A person who is fully satisfied with her life, and not someone who is simply going through the motions because that is the easier road to travel.

On Monday, I did something scary.  I picked up the phone and called to make an appointment with a professional. I had a lump in my throat the entire time, and I had to fight back the tears. It’s scary and sad to admit that you’re lost and you need help finding your way. But sometimes simply exposing that raw emotion and admitting you’re powerless can be the most freeing experience. It’s as if a weight has been lifted, and you’re finally able to take a breath and say, “It’s going to be OK.”

I debated about whether or not I would or should write about this. Should I admit to the world that I don’t have my shit together? That some things in my life are broken and in terrible need of repair? And by admitting that some things are broken, I may not be able to put them back the way they once were.

But I know I’m not alone and that others who are reading this will have been through similar experiences or maybe find themselves in the exact same place.

I also wanted to write down a completely honest and unfiltered account of what I am feeling today so I could look back in the not-so-distant-future and say, “that’s the moment I decided to walk through the scary parts.” That was the moment I admitted that I needed to find my way. That was the moment when I decided to stop being fearful and confront my own demons head-on without any extra padding or armor. That was the moment I said, “to hell with control.” 

That was the moment I decided to press play.

Sunday was the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler – a running tradition in the DC area. So like every other blogging runner in the DMV, I’m going to give you my race report. I’ll try and keep it interesting for you…and before you get too excited I don’t have a picture of my breakfast (half a blueberry bagel and coffee) or my race outfit laid out the night before (Lululemon crops - not the see through kind, Lululemon long sleeved shirt, Team Z shirt and Mizuno Wave Inspire 8). I know, I should turn in my blogging credentials right now. 

I never had any intentions of running this race. Hell, I didn’t even register for it. Obviously, my name is not Jessica so let’s get it out in the open – I ran under someone else’s name. What’s the penance for unauthorized bib transfer?

Since I never planned on running this race until maybe 2 weeks ago, I literally had zero expectations going into it. This would be the second time this year I’ve gone into a race thinking, “whatever happens, happens.” It turns out this is a much less stressful way to race versus turning yourself into knots thinking about the exact splits you’ll need for a PR.

My “A” race for the first half of 2013 is the Rev3 Williamsburg Half-Iron on June 23. And, my training schedule this weekend called for a 10 mile run, so the Cherry Blossom fit in perfectly. I would bang out my 10 miles with 30,000 makeshift running buddies. Perfect.

Juls and Dutch were also registered for the race so we decided to meet up before the start. Juls was aiming for a 1:30 finish time, and I decided I would do my best to hang with her at the 9:00 minute pace. 9:00 minute pace is definitely a little quicker than the Z2 run I was supposed to do according to my training schedule, but I figured if I got tired I could slow down and let her continue without me. Plus I had biked for a full 2 hours on the trainer on Saturday, and I no idea what was left in my legs for the run.

Turns out, I felt really good at the 9:00 minute pace for the duration of the run. I would even go so far as to say I felt comfortable at that pace – meaning I probably could have pushed myself a little harder to stay consistently under a 9:00 minute pace. I wasn’t even sore on Monday – which is bizarre to me. When did I turn into the kind of person who can run 10 miles without it feeling like I ran 10 miles? During the race, I ran 5 miles slightly under 9:00 minute pace and the other 5 just over that mark.

Here are my splits:

Mile 1 – 9:32

Mile 2 – 8:50

Mile 3 – 8:49

Mile 4 – 8:58

Mile 5 – 9:04

Mile 6 – 8:59

Mile 7 – 9:05

Mile 8 – 9:13

Mile 9 – 9:00

Mile 10 – 8:50

The Cherry Blossom course is pretty flat with the exception of a hill thrown in at the last 400 meters – that’s always fun during the final few minutes of a race. You can’t be beat the scenery during this race. You start at the base of the Washington Monument, run along Independence Avenue, across the Memorial Bridge, past the Kennedy Center and around Haines Point. Juls and I stayed together for the entire race. I stopped 2 more times for water than she did, but I managed to find her in the crowd and we crossed the finish line together just past the 1:31 mark. I was more than pleased with my results. 

That was the first time I have ever started and finished a race with friend. It was great to have someone to chat with you needed the distraction or the extra shot of confidence to pick up the pace. And it was equally nice to have someone with you who knew when it was A-OK to just comfortably share silence.

 

What is your criteria for a running buddy? Do you like to be with a Chatty-Cathy or do you prefer the strong, silent type? Drop me a comment and let me know!

Yesterday I had my second bike fit.

And it was eye opening.

After spending close to 2 hours in The Bike Lane, I think I found a fit that works for me. Obviously the true test will come when I take the bike out for a ride this weekend, but the comparison between this experience and my first fit is night and day different. I won’t name the bike shop that did my first fit, but if you know where I live you can probably guess who it was.

I am, however, going to sing the praises of The Bike Lane. Their staff is patient, attentive and knowledgeable. And they really explained the process of what makes a great bike fit.

When I arrived at the shop around 5PM, Jen (the General Manager and Bike Fit Extraordinaire) said, “you have me for the rest of the evening. We’re going to have some fun!”  It was the exact opposite of my first bike fit when I was scheduled at closing time and the staff rushed through the process in order to close up. This time around, I filled out forms about my current mileage, problems with the bike while the staff measured all sorts of angles, inseams and height on me.

Two years ago, the first bike shop fit me on a P3 claiming it would be the same as the P2 I bought. They used the P3 because they had not finished assembling my P2. You’re probably wondering why I allowed someone to fit me for a different model, and I’ve asked myself that very same question many times. The only conclusion I reached is imtimidation by the bike shop staff. The guy that sold me my bike and did the fit was a fast talker and impatient; and I felt insecure and embarrassed asking my “silly questions.” Lesson learned: There are no stupid questions when you’re spending $2500 on a bike!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to yesterday…

After taking all of the appropriate measurements and asking me a ton of questions, it was clear there were 3 main issues to correct on my P2: the saddle height, the saddle itself and the position of the aerobars.

My saddle was about 3 inches too high. Definitely an easy fix – just drop it down.

The next thing to tackle was the saddle itself. I’ve been riding on the Adamo racing saddle, and it is ridiculously uncomfortable for me. We tried adjusting the tilt, but one direction hurt my sit bones and another put too much pressure towards the front. I also felt a terrible pinching on my inner thighs. Jen suggested we try a completely different saddle, and she brought out a Bontrager Hilo RXL Speed Dial Saddle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bontrager saddle is amazing! You can actually adjust the width of the front to find the perfect level of comfort. After a couple of quick adjustments I was sold on the Bontrager. Ladies, this seat is a gift from God.

Correcting the aerobars was the most complicated part of my fit. It turns out that you can’t adjust the aerobars on a Cervelo. The only way to move the bars closer or further out is to completely replace them. I have a fairly short torso, and I was having to reach for the shifters. I thought this was normal, but it is not. We removed the aerobars from my bike and tried a couple of different models. I settled on the Profile Design Viper T1. 

This model allows you to adjust the placement of the bars.Plus the bend in the bars allowed for a better grip. We needed to slide the bars back to get my elbows in closer to my shoulders. The shop will re-run my shifters and cables, and they’ll cut off the excess so my knees don’t hit the end of the bars.

If everything goes smoothly today at the shop, I should be able to pick up my bike on Friday – just in time to ride 40 miles on Saturday. Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to taking it out on the road now that the fit has been significantly tweaked. I had such a positive experience with The Bike Lane, and I cannot thank them enough for taking the time to walk me through the fit process step-by-step. I’m kicking myself for not taking care of this sooner. Who knows what 2011 or 2012 would have been like on the bike had the fit been correct from the beginning?

What are your tips for getting the best fit to optimize your performance and comfort? Drop me a comment and let me know!